pretty cancer….

I am pretty sure I have cancer. Not really, but….

Since my Mom died last August–actually since she was diagnosed–every little thing feels like I have cancer. Every time I am pms bloated I think my ovaries are becoming little mutant monsters; turning against me and killing me but I just don’t KNOW it yet. Especially if people ask if I am pregnant–I am NOT pregnant, just fat…but what if the fatness is also cancer!!! Don’t get me started about my boobs looking wonky and larger post baby–pretty sure it’s all cancer.

My Mom kept complaining of feeling bloated for a few months before her CT that showed her belly was riddled with it. We just thought she was fat (she was too old to be preggers)–too many Christmas cookies. Nope–she had monster ovaries that tormented, bred, then killed her. Well she killed herself with 90 barbiturates and our blessing but that a story for another time except to say: GO OREGON! GO WASHINGTON! GO VERMONT!

This paranoia has reached new levels:

I now only use natural cleaners like vinegar, baking soda and lemon.

Poor Susie is a sticky kid at the beach when I slather us with organic B.S. sunblock.

I have stopped using antiperspirant and switched to CRYSTAL HIPPY DEODORANT! World I am sorry for the smells!!!! At least its the spray kind that smells floral so I can pretend that I don’t believe in crystals as deodorant.

When I drive home from work with my phone next to me or when I am at work and my phone is in my scrubs or when I sleep every night and my phone is by my head–its warmth is radiation mutating DNA in my cells…or even now with my lowly chromebook on my lap.

I only bring this up because I feel achy. Sure everyone around me came down with a ridiculously awful cold and the flu vaccine doesn’t work so well this year, not to mention I live with a toddler who goes to daycare, storytime and the 24 hour fitness playland. BUT pretty sure it is cancer…

organ wave….

I was driving on the 101 by Capital Records and a motorcycle started pacing me. I looked over–sure I was doing something wrong–but instead of a single finger I got a smile and a wave. The dude flipped up his shield and winked.

Not knowing what to do I frowned and stared ahead so he zoomed off.

BUT DUDE! As much as I like a smile, a wink and a wave; as an ICU nurse I only see your organ donation potential on that motorcycle.

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resolutions 2015….

Its been awhile. Its been a rough 2014 but with bright spots from work and friends and family; especially S and W. Those two man! I want to say that I feel so lucky to be happy. Life happens but through everything I am so lucky to have what I have and am so content. How many people can say that?!!? I hope a lot and add me to the list!

Anyhoo! I accomplished my 2014 resolutions. I went to the dentist and went BACK to the dentist to get cavities filled. I love them–the office is totally feminine (W recommend me; Ha!) and looks like a dentist office on a tv show–all frosted glass and white and super stylish. I go back for a cleaning in January and am actually EXCITED about it. I also had an art show! Yay!

SO! In that vein here are my 2015 resolutions!

1. go to a dermatologist and get the weird patch of dry skin on my shoulder looked at. I think it’s just a cyst and I have had it forever but its time.

2. 2 art shows! I had 1 last year so I figure I should double it. I have one already scheduled for February! Now that Susie is a little older I want to push this.

3. Get my CCRN! Go Nursing! I love my job and my coworkers! Its hard and stressful sometimes and can be physically exhausting but I love it and, for me, way better than being bored. I operate best stressed and exhausted and helping people!

4. Work my way down to one caffeinated beverage a day.

SIDENOTE: I am working on eating healthy, losing weight, working out but not something I am comfortable making a new years resolution. Its more of an ALL THE TIME resolution.

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Inprogress….

Oh man, these are so bad right now but we shall see where they go…maybe the dumpster????

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Stolen from cupofJo….

I saw this post on Cup of Jo and and I think it sums up how I am thinking about healthy eating. I can have whatever I want as long as I make it. Except cookies, cake, doughnuts and chips. :)

struggles update….

How am I doing with healthy eating and prize system?

Well, we switched computer systems at the hospital last weekend (huge undertaking and it was amazing to go through and see everyone adapt amazingly and still give THE BEST care–I love my hospital) and I was surrounded by tons of cookies, candies and doughnuts and snacks provided by coworkers or upper management and I did not eat a single piece or part. I didn’t eat so super healthy for my meals but even those weren’t that bad. I have to saw the ONLY thing that kept me from eating everything in sight was the my little self prize system. I wish I were noble but I the only thing I love more than eating crap is cheap stuff. I love stuff. I think I found my success!

I have lost 2lbs! Pretty excited about that–its amazing how much work it takes for a middle aged lady to lose weight. My stomach also looks a little prettier :) (still a massive work in progress though).

The thing is, I know if I have one slip up my will power will crumble. I have to be very strict within my rules. Example: I can have dessert but only for a planned dinner out on a special occasion. I am thinking–not this month, but maybe next–I will cut out alcohol for awhile. I don’t drink that much and even less as late so I think it could be a pretty easy jump just to cut some extra calories. I haven’t decided. Another thing I am thinking about is making lunch mandatory salad–not saying what kind or how much salad just that it has to be salad–to make sure I am eating as many vegetables as possible. What do you think?

Icu lesson of the day….

Don’t just stop taking your blood pressure medicine.

*all ICU lessons have been resulted in death, brain death or permanent ventilator dependency and non responsive.

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Not eating these….

Here I come sweater dress!!!!

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Ugh….

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These are on the desk accross from me and THE ONLY thing keeping me from eating all if them is that $18 asos dress.

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Ugh….

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These are on the desk accross from me and THE ONLY thing keeping me from eating all if them is that $18 asos dress.

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