Category Archives: deep thoughts

resolutions 2015….

Its been awhile. Its been a rough 2014 but with bright spots from work and friends and family; especially S and W. Those two man! I want to say that I feel so lucky to be happy. Life happens but through everything I am so lucky to have what I have and am so content. How many people can say that?!!? I hope a lot and add me to the list!

Anyhoo! I accomplished my 2014 resolutions. I went to the dentist and went BACK to the dentist to get cavities filled. I love them–the office is totally feminine (W recommend me; Ha!) and looks like a dentist office on a tv show–all frosted glass and white and super stylish. I go back for a cleaning in January and am actually EXCITED about it. I also had an art show! Yay!

SO! In that vein here are my 2015 resolutions!

1. go to a dermatologist and get the weird patch of dry skin on my shoulder looked at. I think it’s just a cyst and I have had it forever but its time.

2. 2 art shows! I had 1 last year so I figure I should double it. I have one already scheduled for February! Now that Susie is a little older I want to push this.

3. Get my CCRN! Go Nursing! I love my job and my coworkers! Its hard and stressful sometimes and can be physically exhausting but I love it and, for me, way better than being bored. I operate best stressed and exhausted and helping people!

4. Work my way down to one caffeinated beverage a day.

SIDENOTE: I am working on eating healthy, losing weight, working out but not something I am comfortable making a new years resolution. Its more of an ALL THE TIME resolution.

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workout….

There are so many of these sorts of articles.

How about we just say WORKOUT.

Its fucking hard enough as it is.

SIDENOTE: People are hard on the eliptical–as someone with crappy knees–I like it. Maybe it is not the best of the best for working out BUT I can do it for an hour while watching TV at a gym. Sometimes, the ability to watch TV while working out is the only thing that makes exercise achievable.

34!….

Wow. I turned old. Kidding! So far day 1 of 34 is pretty fing awesome.

But first here was turning 33:

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There I was before going to fancy dinner with champagne and then after fancy dinner and onetomany cocktails feeling amazing. I was just a baby nurse and little did I know, about to be pregnant! Also, I love that orange dress–still have it, need to wear it…especially since I can fit in it again 🙂

And here is 34:

34

34

A lot more has changed than just my cup size.

First–compare today with last year. Today, I wore the above pictured elegantyetslutty maxi dress to afternoon dim sum where I had 1.5 Japanese beers which got me slightly tipsy so I bought a 1940s inspired straw hat.  Susie had a blast and got many compliments–she really is the cutest thing ever–but I am biased. We then came home and rested and ate some small french pastries and I had ice tea. I then bundled Susie up in a sling with both of us tucked under an oversized sweater while W got Hface and we went for a family walk around Echo Park lake. I ate a huge corn on a stick while declaring ‘This is the best night ever!’ and ‘One really must have a corn-sweater; a sweater solely dedicated for eating corn!’ I stated the latter because parmesan cheese was coating one half of my torso. AND I am capping it all off with blogging to you. Contrast with last years sleeping in, late night dinner, champagne, toomanycocktails, weird late night self portraits when I couldn’t sleep and wanted to be artsy. Much changed, different and I think happier, content, grown.

I got pregnant (gaining 60lbs! and then losing 45–still working on the last 15), went from baby night nurse to toddler day nurse, got a dog/Hface and thus many walks and beach trips, went through labor and cesarean, met Susie and became a Mom, W and I celebrated 4! years and became (through trial and error and lots of fun) even more a team with lots of hopes and dreams for eachother. Cheesie I know but man–its been a BIG year. A fun year and also, at times a very hard, dark, painful year…but I am not ready to broach that here. Lets just say Miss Susie E. had perfect timing when she decided to come and with her/us–we have so much lightness and love. So much love. Oh-kay! time to stop with the emotion!

In short, I am excited to be 34. I am excited to see what happens with Sus, with work, with W, with me.

See me, Susie and my corn (also those wheel chips in the other hand) below:

Corn on a stick!

Corn on a stick!

 

 

 

 

39 weeks….

39 Weeks...or dog running from struggling beached whale.

39 Weeks…or dog running from struggling beached whale.

Guys! Wow!

I went to the Dr. yesterday and things are pretty much the same since last time despite stretching and bouncing. Next week we have to measure again and talk about options— that is if she has not made her way out. I have decided to not think about it. She and my body will either cooperate OR not. OR she will be ripped from my abdomen! Either way this thing, child parenthood daughter, is happening sometime soon like a freight train (kidding) and cannot be stopped.

SO what am I thinking about? Guys! What am I doing?!?

H and I went to the beach with W! W got to go cause we went on a Sunday. It was fun!….like in every other post on this blog. I bought a Huntington Dog Beach Hoodie that I have been wearing nonstop even though it’s sort of ugly…BUT I am pretty sure it is the happiest place on earth–its a Disney scene come to life with all the excited animals and people–we should break into song!…um I may have been the crazy lady singing at the beach.

H and W resting....well, H is waiting to run again.

H and W resting….well, H is waiting to run again.

Speaking of H. He went to a full day of doggy daycare at Wagville yesterday since I am not very mobile. He is still sleeping it off…too much partying.

ALSO! My Mom and Bro are visiting. This is very awesome and it would be nice if the kiddo came while they were here but I don’t mind if she doesn’t cause then I get to spend more time with them by myself and not screaming in pain. PLUS we will get to go to KBBQ!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST! Did I mention I am going to be in an ART SHOW! I am a former graphic designer [GD] so lots of that stuff has been seen in newspapers, car wraps, websites, billboards….blahblahbah BUT part of the reason I left GD was because I wanted ART to be for ART and not for $$$. SO here goes. I am doing some paintings. I like them but there are a lot of emotions and passions going around so I am a little afraid they might be TOO much. I love color so they are mainly and exploration in color. COLOR and PASSIONS and HORMONES lead to some grandiose paintings. Also–I have learned that I can draw a human body but painting one–nope. Not to the level I would show people. I don’t have control of the brush the way I do with charcoal or pencil. Not in the way I want it which is messy but discernible and mature. I LOVE MESSY! I will let you know the deets of the ART SHOW soon.

I am considering photography as well but what do you think? Should I pull some photos–I have gleaned 20 I think may be good enough and could narrow it down to 5-10.

Art? How do I narrow down? Art, too artsy, people, not people??

Art? How do I narrow down? Art, too artsy, people, not people?? What do you like in photography? I want some criticism!

A Review: How to Be a Woman….

If you read my Day in the Life of Maternity Leave post there was a picture of a stack of books that I am reading during this time. I am on my last 2–of course leaving the great leviathan Moby Dick for last. That book is intimidating. So now I am going to start telling you all (ignore if you would like) how I FEEL about them. With birth hormones ramping up…I FEEL a lot.

How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran.

In short: read it, it is awesome.

In length:
I am not a non fiction reader. It is so hard for me. I get soooo bored. I need strange plots and great writing and lots of poignant drama. I need Tom Robbins, Toni Morrison, Jane Austen, and Jeffrey Eugenides.

However, three of the maternity books I’ve read are NOT fiction. They are nonfiction and this was THE BEST of them. She writes pop culture feminism. She says anyone who has a vagina and wants control over it is a feminist. LOVE IT!

She begins each chapter with a personal story and weaves in her thoughts on whatever subject relates to the story (porn, waxing, plastic surgery, abortion). She has experienced quite a life too–so her stories are fabulous and only beat by her philosophy. She is a writer by profession–since the age of 15 (and probably earlier) and it shows. It is good, smart, poignant, painful, and funny. I agree with most of what she says and even though I agree I still think about it. A lot. It gets me all hot and bothered and is incredibly motivating. I want to DO something and be a WOMAN, a HUMAN in way I haven’t felt since sophomore year of high school.

 

met gala favorite….

I looked through all the 2013 Met gala gowns as soon as pictures posted. I love a good celebrity gown. This year, I felt sick (UPDATE: sick is relative–I mean its celebs and fashion its not like its really that heartbreaking unlike this). What a bad, stupid, theme for a bunch of rich people to celebrate. Punk is hard, and struggling, and poor, and rough, and dirty. Adding shittons of black eye shadow that costs more than my salary is not punk. Putting a ridiculous couture Mohawk on your head is not punk. Punk would be doing the opposite of all these things. So my favorite ensemble  of the evening: Maggie Gyllenhal.

Its red, it has a tacky choker, it shows her amazing-very honest-body (I super wish I had her boobs). She is almost rebellious because she does not look over tanned, over made-up, over taped and constrained, over done like a twice fried potato with too many toppings. Maybe she did tape her boobs in but if one fell out I feel, instead of the usual celebrity coverups, she would say: “I am a woman, I have boobs, get over it.”

In short, she looks like a normal person and glaringly stands a part from the celebrity crowd. Isn’t that a little Punk?

pregnancy loon ravings….

I tried to stem the pregnancy posts but it’s impossible. Its all-engrossing and such a weird/cool experience that half our population can go through. Not for everyone but I am really glad I get to experience it.

As SE’s due date approaches I am having some late-stage pregnancy thoughts.

Right now SE is mine, ALL MINE. I think this and I hug my front, holding her in.

I! am making her, she is inside ME, a part of me. Okay–W contributed a little but that one tadpole was awfully small…so really…I mean 5% is generous right!?!? Kidding…kind of….I mean I grew her like a frikin’ watermelon! I made a whole organ for her! SHE IS MINE!

Not really. She grew herself with my and, I must admit, W’s help.

With each kick, each cervix head-butt she is asserting herself, becoming a separate identity. This is amazing and beautiful and hard to think about.

Soon, tonight, tomorrow, next week but probably not as long as a month from now I am going to have to share her. I am going to have to share her with W, with Hface, with our parents, families and friends….I am going to have to share her with HERSELF!

This is amazing and beautiful and wonderful and something that happens a bazillion times a day.

In the meantime, I squeeze my bulging abdomen and relish this current second when she is still mine…all mine.

facebook….

Sometimes I want to leave FB because mainly I hate the ads but also because sometimes I have a hard time with FB political posts and emotional posts.

Doesn’t it seem like a cheap way to grieve or be political?

I will grant you that social media politics has caused change but for my liberal self and my mostly liberal facebook friends–its a lot of patting each other on the back for pushing the repost button, changing a profile picture, or writing a sentence status update. If we (I am including myself) really care shouldn’t we be doing more? Lazy politics?

And the grief? I hate it–it seems very insincere. Repost a photo of a candle with a flame or link an article? Everyone gets on board for one tragedy but not another. Yesterday everyone was posting about Boston and how horrible it is. It is horrible. This morning 35 people died in a fertilizer plant explosion–if not more–and not a peep. No candles, no thoughts, no prayers, no links, no status updates. Why? Is it because its not terrorism (they don’t know the cause yet but if its lack of safety by an employer–thats pretty on par with terrorism)? is it cause its in a red state? I posted something on facebook but then deleted it. That is not where I want to do something or show my caring. I just want to see what people are up to and look at pictures.

I heard when the last school shooting happened someone bought coffee for a day in that town anonymously. I thought that was a cool way to show support.

Sometimes I try to not be so passionate here where it could start an internet argument. W says if you are arguing on the internet you are already losing. But this one thing I wonder about a lot.

 

growing up….

IMG_2499Babies and weddings and more babies and weddings. I fit into the babies category but I got to be a witness to one of the most fun/beautiful weddings I’ve seen. It wasn’t a wedding really. It was an elopement.

My friend J called me prior to coming to PDX and asked when I would be up. I told her and she said that was great because then I could be a witness for her elopement. I burst into happy tears right where I was standing…in the middle of World Market.

So these things all means we,  my circle my pack, of friends are all growing up. Making choices that we would have considered droll in our young 20s. Yesterday, I gave up on a little bit more of that attitude.

For the millionth time I was comparing at our neighborhood versus THE VALLEY for real estate. We are not going to buy for at least a year or so but it’s fun to look and also a source of many a  fight and controversy between W and I. W wants THE VALLEY. I want our neighborhood. Our neighborhood is hip, upandcoming, and well in my comfort zone. THE VALLEY may be hip (?) but definitely not as edgycool as our neighborhood. It is not hilly and full of views and tocoolforschool people.

But yesterday I started thinking about what I want for a home. I want something open and airy and a pool (or potential for a pool). A place where people can come over to dinner and our backyard is often referred too as an ‘oasis.’ I want to wave at neighbors and maybe even gossip over a cup of coffee. I want my kid to ride around on a trike and draw chalk hopscotches on the sidewalk. Our neighborhood does not have that and anything close would be way WAY above what we could afford.

This means what I want is THE VALLEY too. This means, yesterday, I let a little bit more of my eyerolling-20s self go. This means I had to write a long email of ‘Your Right’ to W.

Sometimes growing up is a long process. Sometimes its an elopement. Sometimes its getting pregnant and having short spurts of epiphanies that should have happened years ago.

 

6 months….

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I love this photo because S.E. is like a tiny bloop and I look all svelte otherwise. I am not svelte. My tummy must have been hanging away, outofsight, during the 2 seconds it took to take the photo. bloop–love it!

So this is pretty much what I wear on my days off now–unless I am going out to do stuff other than exercise. Then I get all fancy in 1 of my 2 maternity dresses or leggings with a sweater that still fits. For a clearer picture of what W (poor W) has to look forward to when he gets home see below:

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YES that is a cut off neck white long sleeved giant man-tee and old yoga pants rolled up complete with multiple stains. I would like to mention here that I DO wash my hair most days as well…

For a more accurate look at my belly see below:

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THERE she is! BIG bloop! I still try to fit in tiny spaces and often unintentionally raise patient beds, knock into doctors, knock over chairs with her.

AND here is me outside at Runyon Canyon with Hdog…in the same outfit. This is okay because we are going to exercise. Though, in LA, most people put on tons of makeup and dress to the nines to do such activity. They also talk about agents and scripts while climbing 675 vertical feet. Hdog and I are a little out of place but fuck it! I am 6 months pregnant!

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So aside from my awesome outfit and bump, how am I doing?

Work is hard. I get super tired and it has been super intense and full of profound moments. No joke. Very serious. I do laugh and smile with co-workers but our already acute ICU seems more acute as of late.

Or maybe its just my patients. I have had patients die in my short ICU career and all were in the last month or so. It is a rough, though I feel a very honorable job to be present for someone’s end. I did not cry…at work. But let me tell you I feel like I cover all of Philosophy 101 when I am taking care of a dying person and all the while this little thing, S.E., is kicking away inside me. An end and a beginning all at once.

So for good reason I think, I get tired. I had 4 days off this week and W asked what I was going to do with them. Sleep I said. I work the same full-time hours as anyone else but in a shorter period. It takes a full 2 days to recover and 1 day to prepare–especially when getting more and more pregnant. So I cleaned and took Hdog hiking for my 1 day (we exercised other days but it was painful) and we also went out for thai food. I LOVE good thai food.

BACK TO THE LIGHTHEARTED! I thought I had ordered all the maternity stuff I needed. This is not so. Back to the drawing board [Asos.com and Target] for couple cheap dresses and skirts. I am learning that as baggy as some of my baggy jeans and such are–they are not baggy enough.

HORMONES are reveving back up for the coming 3rd trimester. Its getting to be like PMS every few days. Lots of world-ending, crying and fight-picking.

ALSO this kid will not stop kicking my bladder. I feel like I cannot go more than 2 steps without having to pee.

Hope things are well with you! Hope to post more than a couple times a month!