parental learning curve….

I have learned soooooo fucking much the last 6 weeks since lil Susie came into the world. Lately, I have been going around saying “The reason babes grow so slow is because parents need time to catch up.” This is true, especially for first time parents (or ‘rents as Cosmo calls us). This is true especially for me.

When Susie started her ‘witching’ hour at about 3 weeks we didn’t know what it was. WHY was our PERFECT babe screaming from 5-9pm? We thought it was hunger, gas, poop–the usual but still the screaming. I thought it was that she hated her bottles and tried a variety of new ones. But no–still the fussiness and crying. Nothing I could think of worked not walking, not bouncing, not food, nothing. nothing. UNTIL, finally I put her on her floor gym when I just needed to pee. She stopped crying–she gazed at the toys and LAUGHED and KICKED and SMILED. She STOPPED CRYING!!! It turned out she was BORED. BORED! She was trying to tell me. So now we do all those things and include playing (and a bath which is playing for her–she loves baths).

So that was one example. ANOTHER example was today. Today was a learning experience. I was trying out the carseat in the stroller combo–very excited about it because she sleeps very well in the car–for our late afternoon walk. This walk I usually just use the sling and don’t bring anything with me but the dog and my keys. She sleeps the whole time–I call it the nap-extender cause it extends into the ‘witching’ hour.

ANYWAY we had already been to the vet today which was hell and we were all tired so I shouldn’t have pushed it. I should know better–again, learning experience. So I put her in the carseatstrollercombo while she was still sleeping grabbed the dog and headed out the door…without my keys. I locked myself out. No matter–W would be home soon. Quick call to W and yes he would be home in 1.5 hours. I had boobmilk and a blankie–we could kill 1.5  hours with a napping baby. yeah…she woke up.

Screaming baby. No matter–we can play and eat on the grass at the park.

We got out at the park–we felt the wind, we looked at the trees, we smiled, we looked at the big kids, we looked at the ice cream sellers, we looked at the ducks, we laughed at Henry, we felt the water drops blow in our faces, we shit our pants.

By ‘we’ I mean Susie shit her pants.

By shit her pants I mean shit was everywhere, leaking out the sides, up her back, on her onsie and blanket, on my dress and slip. Henry somehow avoided the blowout.

I forgot my diaper bag and her cute little fancy skull diapers.

No keys, no diapers, shit everywhere.

You know you are reaching a new level of parenting when you are lining your stroller with dog poop bags.

I know. I forgot my keys and diapers but didn’t forgot the fucking dog poop bags. My kid is covered in yellow/orange crap but god forbid my dog leave a turd anywhere! Stupid yuppie new parent. They are lavender scented too. They may have saved my stroller today but I hate them. I hate my lavender scented dog poop bags that should have been diapers. WHY WEREN”T YOU DIAPERS!

So yes, I am an idiot new parent but after today I will remember my keys and my diapers and Susie may get shit everywhere but I will be able to clean her up. I will have a CLEAN baby!

I know this because I only need to push up a hill (while praying W is home and cooing and singing) a screaming, shit-covered baby laying in a stroller on dog poop bags ONCE! ONE TIME!

Never again. I have reached a new level of parenting.





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