a day in the life of maternity leave….

New York Times Paid Maternal Leave Map

God forbid we offer paid maternity leave because then we could be on par with…I don’t know….the REST OF THE WORLD.

Also for those of you not in California–it should be a different color. It should be the middle blue color. It, compared to the rest of the country, is a great place to have a baby. Maternity leave is PAID here–considered a disability. I know you are thinking–California has some serious budget issues but its not paying maternity leave that is causing the problem. It may be more related to putting people in prison for life for stealing  socks–just as an example. ANYWAY–enough politics! No Fighting!

So I am on maternity leave and have been for a couple weeks. It is hard. “Hard!” you snort laughing–“You DON’T DO ANYTHING!!!!”

Well I do do stuff [whine!]. Its just hard to do much (why it is a disability that prevents you from performing work–especially moving 200-400 lb patients all day). So here is the day in the life of my maternity leave.

0645-750: Wake up to glaring LA sunshine and the ridiculous birds outside my window. They are not pleasant in the early morning–its like there is a massive bird war going on in the palm trees outside my window. People poo-poo this until they stay with us and are like “WTF with the birds?!?”

The view from our deck with the bird war palms and the almost finished  teasing  lake/park...cannot wait till I can stroll it!

The view from our deck with the bird war palms and the almost finished teasing lake/park…cannot wait till I can stroll it!

Maternity reading. I have finished 2, almost 3 of these. Can you guess what one I will read last?

Maternity reading. I have finished 2, almost 3 of these. Can you guess what one I will read last?

0750-0830: Try to get out of bed. This is hard, it hurts and is usually a 5 step process of rolling my super dense ungainly body onto my side, pulling H onto the bed from his bed, giving him a morning scratch, then SE wakes up and starts kicking my bladder. I then have H motivate me by using the word ‘walk’ which gets him all excited and involves jumping on my face and enough pain that I sit up. Groan.

0835: stumble to the bathroom and pee.

0836-0840: Pause at the office, still nude in a completely whale/unsexy way and harass W with what I think is some super funny morning comment when all he wants is his morning quiet time to read nerd blogs before work.

H and his summer haircut in a morning tangle.

H and his summer haircut in a morning tangle.

0840-0850: try to dress in whatever still fits. This is hard. Putting on pants, even sweat pants, is the hardest thing in the world.

0850-0920: Walk the still jumping/dancing dog at my feet. What used to be a 10 minute walk around the block is now 30+ minutes much to H’s delight. Sometimes we walk the 1 mile round trip to the coffee shop which is more exciting for both of us (H gets to smell so much stuff! and he gets a piece of muffin) but takes FOREVER. I usually call my Mom for company during these walks.

0921: pee again

….until 1200: drink my coffee and eat breakfast and read all the blogs on the internet. Check Facebook a million times. Watch HGTV marathon…trying to stop! Usually end up staring at gmail thinking ‘someone email me!’ until I get so frustrated I do something else or make popcorn and bean H in the head with it. Super funny cause it bounces off (obviously doesn’t hurt him) his huge hair and then he chomps it in the most dramatic fashion ever. Pee three times.

1200–1600: do something adventurous or at least walk because sitting or laying hurts to much after awhile. We have not had as many adventures lately but our afternoon usually includes a long walk, beach trip, or some pool time (H hates pool time cause he has to stay inside but it is the one place I am weightless!). This time also includes a nap. If its hot this adventure has to happen earlier or later in the day–and usually takes the full 4 hours instead of the former 1 hour. Pee two times.

adventures=massive amounts of RUNNING! YES!

adventures=massive amounts of RUNNING! YES!

And getting thrown into the ocean for a mandatory cool down.

And getting thrown into the ocean for a mandatory cool down.

Favorite place in the world

Favorite place in the world

Last time we helped rescue a sea lion pup, this time lobsters and 1 crab

Last time we helped rescue a sea lion pup, this time lobsters and 1 crab

surfer! They were in the tubes!!!!

surfer! They were in the tubes!!!!

1600-1900: try not to watch TV, turn on Spotify and listen to new tunes, do some art, clean. Make dinner. Pee two times

1900–2100: W quality time and primetime TV watching. If I am lucky (I usually am) I get a back scratch/massage from W. These are not short. I am spoiled. Also,factor in 20 minutes of body maneuvering so W can reach my back. Pee 2-4 times

2100: Walk H.

2130…: pee,  fall asleep watching criminal minds, nova, or HGTV.

I guess it does sound pretty awesome. But there are things you have to know about me 1. I hate being useless (even though I know I will go back to my job soon)–its very depressing, I go stir crazy and get lonely very easily–I wish I knew more people here in my neighborhood. 2. I have no will power–its hard for me to turn off the TV: I am trying really hard to push myself before SE comes, do some art, read, and explore things I can do with little movement. 3. I waited tables in crappy shoes for a long time–I already have a crappy lower back, knees and hips so the added weight is making things worse–I walk a lot. Walking in supportive shoes is my most comfortable thing to do aside from swimming. Everything else: laying down, sleeping, bending, and sitting hurts. 4. Any alteration to this schedule–ie doctors appointment, surprise jack hammering [literally happened today] of my apartment wall, car checkups, or pretty much any little thing leads to hormone surge and crying. Massive crying. I am super pleasant to be around right now 🙂

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One thought on “a day in the life of maternity leave….

  1. Steve Brown says:

    Awesome…I miss seeing you in work but enjoy your time. It literally gets no better than it is right now,

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