No I have not been diagnosed with anything like acute or chronic disappointment. Though, some may say I have chronic negativity…NEVER without reason!!! I like my opinionated opinions that yes, may often fall into a negative category.
Anyway… I am disappointed. This afternoon was supposed to be my clinical at the hospital. Dutifully, I got up this morning and studied for 3-4 hours, put on my carefully folded scrubs, put on my watch and slipped my updated ipod into my scrub pocket, made sure Rocky peed and ate, made sure I ate and peed, cleaned up a little, gathered and arranged all my necessary clinical papers and homework, and was about to get in the car when I checked my voicemail. My professor canceled clinical. It sucks
See the thing is, well there are a lot of things. First, I am 31–I do not relish skipping class or a canceled class. I immediately panic. Second, I was nervous about meeting patients–now I have to live with that for three weeks until next clinical. Third, I feel behind and in an intense, short, program such is this, that is bad bad bad bad bad. Fourth to really sink in skills you have to practice and practice on strangers. Now, I have to go find strangers to practice on or else my skills will get backed up and if they do then I won’t pass checkout at the end of class and that means you fail. With this nursing school, not sure about all of them, you have to pass each little thing–there are lots of helpers, but YOU have to pass them- 100%- with someone watching you. It makes sense really–otherwise you could kill someone. And last, I have two tests tomorrow that I am really nervous about…I will use this time to study but I had a plan and now that plan has to be readjusted. Now I am even more nervous because if I don’t do well on them (which they say a lot of people don’t because the testing style is really different) I will feel like a complete failure.
Becoming a nurse in 11 months is stressful. This has fully sunk in only 3 weeks into the courses. You feel like your whole life depends on each little tic of knowledge. You recognize that you are pieces and this year is completion of a puzzle. A puzzle cannot be complete with each and every piece though. That, and a 60K, loan is sometimes a lot to have on your shoulders. I alternate between terror/overwhelming and excitement.
It is fun. We did eyes, ears and mouth yesterday. Looking in someones eyes is pretty amazing. You start with the red reflex (what gives you red-eye in pictures) then get closer and closer and then all the sudden you see a giant artery in your face! Not really giant but it seems like that because you just see creamy red and you think you are doing it wrong and then all the sudden you realize you are seeing the inside (and also that you are about an inch from that persons face) and you can see all veins and arteries. Similar experience to the ‘Magic eye’ paintings that were so popular in the 90s. I am not great at it yet and could only see the optic disc with my dominant right eye. But still pretty sweet.